The Bravery of the Bereaved… Coping with grief during a pandemic.
We grieve because we love
Grief is the price we pay for love, the person that we loved played an integral role in our life and we treasured his or her presence. Because loss is an inevitable aspect of all human relationships – unfortunately so is grief. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or a traumatic event such as divorce- grief is an incredibly sensitive subject as the human mind almost instantly becomes vulnerable when we are grieving.
Grieving during a pandemic
Had to pinch yourself to see if this is reality? We have. Film makers are most likely utilising their time in self-quarantine making a movie about this worldwide pandemic. Saying goodbye to a loved one is one of the hardest things we have to go through in life, and now COVID-19 is making it harder to say goodbye. This time is unprecedented and completely un-expected so if one of your loved ones has unfortunately passed away during the period of this pandemic – there is nothing that could have prepared you for grieving under these circumstances. The grieving process is incredibly individual to each person and dependent on the experience - nevertheless the process of grieving and mourning is crucial to come to terms with loss. The amazing thing about humans is that we are all different, so everyone has their own individual ways of coping with grief, which means just like trying to cope in quarantine - there is no right or wrong way to do it. However, ignoring the initial stages of grief can result in taking over your mental space and life in a way that makes it harder to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Escapism vs Exposure
In a way you could say that we are currently all in a stage of grief as we’re all scared about what the future holds, because at the moment we have very broadened imagined futures as we don’t know how easy it’ll be to ease ourselves back into society. People have had their own individual way of coping in quarantine and two common routes people may have taken is escapism or exposure. Thanks for technology it means as humans we’re always ‘on call’ which can make one feel somewhat trapped and unable to have time to themselves or an excuse to not answer or respond. Technology does also mean we can use a virtual world to escape, some people choose escapism by for example never watching the 5o’clock update and engrossing themselves in video games or even the app admired by millennials – Tik Tok. Others choose exposure methods, for example never missing the 5 o’clock update, always being available on their zoom or houseparty apps and watching films such as contagion which directly relates to the current pandemic. Nevertheless, there is a significant difference between coping in quarantine and coping with losing a loved one – one is the fear of the unknown and one is dealing with real-life emotional pain. Forms of exposure are great to try and take your mind off the mental strain however completely ignoring your circumstances will only make it harder to accept the loss. This is why we must see the bravery needed in bereavement and not take the struggle of each persons situation lightly.
Stages of managing this grief
The first step to grieving is understanding the stages, however as mentioned as we are all incredibly different, so we have individual ways of grieving which means the stages aren’t linear and won’t happen in order for everyone. There is no universal map but comparing the stages of losing a loved one to the stages we’ve gone through to cope in quarantine provides some scaffolding for this ‘unknown world’ and helps us normalise our feelings.
Denial, which is something us humans do to protect our conscious state: e.g. “This virus won’t affect me.” We also go through an anger stage when we realise the fear will not go away: “You’re making me stay home and restricting me from my normal life.” There’s sadness which I’m sure we’ve all felt during this incredibly mentally challenging time: “I don’t know when this will end.” And finally, there’s acceptance. “This is happening, let’s make a routine to cope in quarantine.”
Where does the power lie in being able to enjoy life again? Acceptance. No matter how long it takes to get to this stage, when at this stage in the process you finally start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as we find control in acceptance. “I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.” There is no right or wrong way to grieve but forms of escapism and ignoring the sadness you’re feeling often prolongs the time it takes to be able to move on and live.
You are not alone
We have partnered with Cruse bereavement and want you to know that they are there for you to offer bereavement support and advice.
Cruse is the UK’s leading bereavement charity reaching over 100,000 people across the UK each year. They offer support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies and work to enhance society’s care of bereaved people.
For immediate bereavement support contact their national helpline on 0808 808 1677
Children and young people can:
· Call the Freephone helpline on 0808 808 1677
· Visit their website designed by and for young people at www.hopeagain.org.uk or
· Email them at hopeagain@cruse.org.uk
Unfortunately, there is not one simple coping mechanism, don’t put yourself under too much pressure to reach acceptance too quickly, do what feels right for you. To those who have lost a loved one during this time, try to keep strong contact with your family and friends and for those who know of someone who’s lost a loved one – check up on them regularly. Life is a precious thing and times like this highlight the importance of companionship. Death can’t destroy the memory of our loved ones; even if you’re on your own and unable to see friends and family when you have lost a loved one, you’re not alone - we’ll get through this together.